I remember every time I would cry, Benji would be around. He looked at me with his big green eyes and I knew he was listening to me, understanding my emotions. I named Benji after my very first 'boyfriend', when I was about 4!

Every time we would go to the fridge he'd meow, he love to eat human food and loved it even more when we were all eating together. 

Even from a young age you put up with me, no matter how much annoyed you and picked you up. You've moved with our family to three different homes, and each time you were just happy to be with us.

Last year we bought our first kitten, named Betty.

Even though she was young and playful, you were tolerant of her and never hurt her no matter how much she irritated you! 

Every time I think of you I think of how I'd stare out of the window, lay on the bed, or just mope around with sadness, feeling low... When all of a sudden I hear you purr! I can still hear it in my head, that low, gentle purr. You'd nudge me with your head and something in your eyes would tell me everything was going to be okay.

I told you everything Benji, and you kept your promise. You stayed quiet and caring right until today. 

At 7:10AM, my Mother woke me up looking frightened. She told me she was taking you to the vet, and that you might not come back. I rushed downstairs and saw you on your favourite blanket, crying quietly. I stroked your fur, rough with age, and told you it would be okay. I told you I loved you. There was saliva around your mouth and your eyes were slightly opened. I thought the worst.

I stood up. I couldn't bear seeing you like this. As soon as I left the kitchen you starting meowing. It wasn't your usual meow. It was deep, you were scared. 

I feel so guilty right now. Why couldn't I have stayed with you? I'm so selfish...

I remember the last day we were at Briarwood Close. We'd both lived there since I could remember.

One thing that always stood out in my mind is that you never really got on with the neighborhood cats. It wasn't your fault, they were aggressive, they picked on you because you were so peaceful and gentle. But you could stand your ground!

Anyway, on the last day I remember looking out of my bedroom window and seeing you and a white cat laying on a shed next door. You did have friends! It was like the white cat was saying goodbye.

I never really said goodbye to you, did I?

My Mother carried you out into the car in your blanket, your mouth was slightly open and you were groaning. You stopped as soon as you saw me.

Whether this was because you felt better seeing me or because you didn't want me to be scared I'll never know.

That was the last time I saw you. Looking me straight in the eye. 

As I sit here I keep looking over at my college bag. I bought it in Spain last week and you immediately took a liking to it (just like me!). I haven't moved it since you left... I was going to but... I can't.

Every time I look at it I see you, settling down for a nap right beside me. 

Just last night you were there, purring softly as you slept.

The night before last, you slept on my bed. I remember thinking it was unusual, because you usually sleep outside, or by my door. It's always been like that, Benji. You always stayed right by me.

You were so sweet, especially on that night. You let me cuddle you as I slept.

Something tells me you knew you were going.

I sit here, about 54 minutes after we got a phone call saying you'd gone, and the sun beams through my window.

It's a cold September morning, the sun never shines like this.

It's you! God has you now! I'm so happy Benjamin! Of course I'm still grieving, but now I know you're truly at peace!

Every so often a beam of light dances in front of me, making me think of how you used to sit right in front of me, in front of the computer as I was trying to work!

I'll keep updating this as the memories come back, but for now Benji, I think these lyrics fit...

"Until the day I'll let you go 

Until we say our next hello 

It's not goodbye 

'Til I see you again 

I'll be right here rememberin' when 

And if time is on our side 

There will be no tears to cry 

On down the road 

There is one thing I can't deny 

It's not goodbye"

x