the second i heard my mom's quivering voice on the phone, i knew you were dead. 



it is crazy that you chose to die of CRF just one month before i was due to return back home. 



i'm so heartbroken for not being there with you… i am wondering what bad karma i had, to be excluded from your last moments on earth...



i am so angry at my personal situation that required me to be in london during the past few months, away from u



i am guilty bcos mom told me how much u missed me the past few months and i didn't think abt u much bcos of my study commitments...



i am feeling terrible bcos i remember how many times i went straight to my room from work, without giving you a cuddle... and the times you had to sleep alone in the living room, when you wanted to sleep in my bed, i wouldnt let you bcos you shed too much... i am so sorry about that too...



jojo, mom is crying non-stop bcos she feels that she should have noticed the symptoms earlier and taken you to the vet... and here in london i am unable to cry bcos i KNOW i caused ur death... had i been in india, i wd have whisked you off to the vet the minute you looked unwell...



and my one wish to have you cremated, so that i can have ur ashes in a urn, was not destined to come true... you were buried in a community cremation ground... and the stupid laws in india forbid women to enter there... so it looks like i won't even be able to look at the spot you were buried...



i am wondering... is this a punishment from god for the way i have been slacking off in the past few years? i'm sure it is. otherwise, why would you leave me so suddenly, after being my only companion for the past 10 years? my only friend who didn't care that i was fat, average and lived a life full of failure and mistakes? 



I know u lived a happy life with us, u certainly wouldn‘t have lasted more than a year in that neughbourhood we rescued you from… but it really hurts that I was not able to give you so many things that you deserved to have… like balanced food or regular vet visits... u never had a garden to run about or a toy to play with or a brush just for yourself... i'm very very sorry for that...  this is one of the few times I hate being middle-class in India… where pet “expenses” are considered a sin and a nuisance… 



at this stage, i can only mourn for what i didn't do for you... may be, when this pain becomes a little more bearable, i can think about the happy times i spent with you... how grave and zen-like you normally were yet would comically do some stunts to make us laight… the way your heard would droop enduringly when you fall asleep sitting… and how you loved to snuggle in our armpits… and the way you hissed and boo’ed at the street dogs, from safety of our balcony… 



and how you “spoke” to the crows and pigeons in our terrace… how you will jump on us if you can smell food from our palms, as we come home from a restaurant… how you would terrorise my mom if she was cooking fish, bullying her so much that she would give you the lion’s share of it… and the way you terminated the rats in the neighbourhood, holding them in your jaws and making everyone run away from you ferocious gait into your corner in the house…



And the most happy memory of you I have is how I used to pick u up and keep you on my chest, while I lay on the sofa, watching tv… how mom used to shout at us that it was unhygienic and that you might sctratch me… and how wild it drove her when I kissed you on your nose or head… but im so glad I didn’t think bloody hygiene, am so glad I have you some love, in return to the unconditional love you have me for the past 10 years… 



Farewell, my sweetie, my purr bucket, my mojo jojo… named after the cranky monkey of powerpuff girls, which you used to see with us when we were kids… all I can ask for is your forgiveness… for leaving you alone during your twilight years… in case you ever wondered why I was gone… if you are being born again, please come into my life once again… I will know it is you if I can ever bear to touch another cat again…