Not a single day has passed without missing you. I yearned to hold you close to me and caress your body once again. I missed having your fur in every crook and cranny around the house, in my food, on the sofa, on my clothes...
The carpet that you slept on was not washed and safely rolled up and kept in a safe place while the last bile that you throw up in my room wasn’t moped away but preserved as I shifted my cupboard over it.
Everything that is connected to you is a precious gift, and holds special memories we once shared.
I knew you were suffering yet there was nothing that I could do to help you feel better. Euthanasia has never been on my mind as I have always hoped for a miracle. I pleaded with heaven (and all the Gods that I know of) to make you well again and not to take you away but alas, things didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.
I knew you are exhausted and it is probably time for you to go but having to witness you coughing a mouthful of blood into the air, and collapsing right before my very eyes is just too much for me to bear.
I’ll never forget the look of helplessness in your eyes. My heart broke into smithereens as you turned to look at me for the final time when you breathed your last.
At that point of time, my whole world just comes tumbling down. I only want you back in my life and nothing else mattered anymore.
If only I could take your place instead. Why wasn't I the one with cataracts? Why wasn't I the one with seizure? Why wasn't I the one with neurological problems? Why wasn’t I the one with kidney failure? Why wasn't I the one suffering from all these? Why? WHY???
Whenever I pass by the places where we went for our walks, memories would come flooding back.
Remember that time when we sat side-by-side at the void deck, enjoying the breeze and watching the world go by? I confided in you and you have been an attentive listener. I do not know if you really understand what I have said but I knew that I could always count on you to help me safeguard my secrets.
Nowadays, I dread to walk past there anymore for fear of invoking more painful memories.
Life has never been the same since you embark on that trip alone by yourself. Coming home to a quiet house doesn’t seem very inviting without your wet, slobbering kisses and circular dances round my feet. Dinnertime seemed especially weird too without your pair of hungry eyes staring intently at me. I still remembered that you loved stealing food off the table when we weren't looking! Naughty!
Occasionally, should I happened to walk past a petshop, I would instinctively step inside to see what I could get for you but then, I’ll realized that you are no longer around and I’ll then leave empty handed, with a heavy heart in tow.
Boy Boy, if only I could trade half of my life in exchange for you to come back and make my life complete again, I would.
Hope to see you soon, my dearest buddy.