Winston Cat

My drawer is full of shots of Winston sleeping in some bizarre pose, or having an expression u wouldn’t expect from a cat.Since young winston had a shoe fetish and loved to lay over my shoe ,rub up against them once I got home or attack my Mom's slippers. She loved attacking your feet but only if you were wearing white socks. She loved plastic milk bottle lid rings , silver sweet paper balls and anything attached to a string.My sister brought her home during December holidays.I was 16 at the time. The family took to her and her kitten antics.Winston and I however had a special bond. We played together endlessly and she became "my" cat.We moved town soon after we got Winston, she settled in well to our new lagoon front house. To be perfectly honest she had a ball. She used to go down the embankment in front of our patio to the water and with no fear at all stand stomach deep in the lagoon catching the bubbles coming from the shrimp holes. I even saw her coming into the house one day with a fish in her mouth that she caught! It wasn’t all wine and roses though. On two occasions Winston went missing. She was gone for more than a day and night which was odd because she usually came back when she was hungry. I went out looking for her when it was obvious there was a problem. 3 times that night I walked up and down in the dark and pouring rain looking for her. I eventually found her when I heard a faint cry while calling her name. I found her looking up at me from below the storm water drain, peering up as the torrents of water flowed down around her. She found another way in and since the rain had started got lost and afraid. It took all my strength to heave the iron grate from its frame, scooped up my soaked and shaking cat and hurried back to the house where my mom and I dried her while saying calming words.She had also endured an extremely bad bout of some cat illness related to eating too much processed food. An encounter with the neighbours ginger didn't aid the matter and I still believe that she never fully recovered. Many things changed while Winston was around. My sister got married and left for England, I grew up and went on to college, work and later married, my parents got divorced and we moved once again. Away, away from our "Island" retreat. However, this time it was only my mom, my new wife, Winston and me. Winston was always there.Whatever happened, she was there. Without question a part of the family. You tend to take it for granted I suppose. But then that is human nature after all. Maybe I didn’t want to see her getting weak. Maybe I didn’t want to admit it or hoped inside it would go away. Maybe I was too busy getting on with my life to notice her getting old before my eyes. Who knows? After a six month battle with impending renal failure and all the problems that are associated with it as well as more that three trips to different vets. My mom and I finally agreed to take her back to the vet again and find out how to help her.It's hard. It's damn hard. Don’t let anyone who considers themselves an animal lover ever tell you any different. They put her down that Sunday. It was the 12th of March 2006 at 10:50 am. Im still in a state of shock and disbelief it being so fresh and present in my mind.I blame myself, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I just can't help feeling like a monster either way. Am I guilty for not paying attention to her while she was here? Did she know how much I loved her? Did she feel welcome and at home the way that I hope she did? I will never know.I was there when she came into our lives and I was there when she left this world. I just hope that in whatever sense one can make of it all, or if it counts for anything,that she did have a full and warm life while we knew her