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Loss of an animal friend can be heart-breaking
By Sarah Newman
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
March 3, 2006
Everyone knows how difficult it is to say
good-bye to someone we love. But when that someone is a
companion animal, not everyone understands the pain that a
bereaved pet owner may be going through.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, story
after heart-wrenching story showed America just how much a pet
can mean to someone. Those who have never known such a bond
understandably may not comprehend the heartbreak of its loss.
Yet even as pets continue to purr and paw
their way into more homes and hearts, earning equal billing as
fellow family members, when it comes to their death they are
still "only animals" as far as society is concerned.
The loss of a companion animal is a complex
issue, says Susan Duncan of Pet Study, a group that is studying
the effect of companion animal loss in the workplace, in
relationships and in society in general in order to develop more
effective support for the bereaved.
Even though "real research is still in its
infancy," Duncan says, some major points have emerged:
- "Loss in general is avoided in society on
a personal level, but pet loss is even less addressed or
supported. In a nation of animal lovers, the loss of a
beloved companion animal is underreported and rarely
discussed, perhaps because many do not like to think about
the inevitable."
- The loss of an animal companion "is often
more difficult to cope with than the loss of a human family
member. To most, the love of an animal is pure and perfect,
free from the baggage that often accompanies human
relationships."
- "When family members and friends do not
gently cushion and support the bereaved," or when they "make
hurtful or taunting comments, lifelong resentments are often
formed, and relationships can be forever altered."
- "The workplace is slow to adopt new
policies allowing bereavement time off." However, some
progressive companies encourage employees who are grieving
the loss of a pet to use vacation or personal time off for
that purpose.
- "The bereaved often try to put forth a
tough facade for fear of being thought of as weak or silly
or sissified by openly mourning the loss of an animal
friend." This can be dangerous, because . . .
- When grief is internalized, it "may
manifest through stress-related illnesses, such as chronic
headaches, anxiety, fear, sleep disorders, digestive
disturbances, dysfunctional relationships, loss of
communication and inability to focus."
- "As with all loss, there is no proper way
to grieve." Nor is there any right or wrong timetable.
"Grief is intensely personal," Duncan says,
"and individual reactions vary."
However, she notes, failing "to properly
confront all aspects of each grief level" may lead to
post-traumatic stress disorders later. "Guilt is the major
emotion that tends to do the most harm," she says.
People who experience the loss of a companion
animal generally fall into three categories, based on how they
react to their loss, Duncan says:
- Nongrievers feel little or no grief. They
almost always recover quickly, if not immediately. Their
pet's death causes no disruption to their routine, and they
need no time to adjust to the loss.
- Average grievers grieve for a short
while, usually no longer than two to four weeks. They also
may need a day or two away from work or school as an
adjustment period. As the name implies, average grievers
account for the highest percentage of people who have lost
companion animals.
- Deep grievers are devastated by the loss
of their animal friend. It may take them weeks to function
normally again, and several more weeks to adjust to the
loss. Their sadness and depression can last for months, even
years, and they may need group support or therapy.
Deep grievers also are subject to flashbacks,
Duncan says, and "triggers in the form of visual recall, marker
dates or other reminders" may cause irritability, illness or
public outbursts of crying. Duncan recalled one woman who
reported "still feeling bad about the loss of her cat 43 years
earlier, when she was a small child."
Duncan stressed that deep grievers should seek
understanding and support only from "others who feel loss as
deeply as they do. Those who minimize loss and do not share the
same depth of grief only add to the misery and isolation of the
bereaved." ;
One of the things that makes mourning a pet's
death so difficult is society's mental image of those who do so.
According to Pet Study findings, "Society tends to profile those
who deeply grieve the loss of an animal family member as the
elderly, loners, single people who substitute animals for
children, or someone outside of perceived mainstream
lifestyles."
"In fact," Duncan says, "mourners can be found
in all age ranges and all occupations." They are "as often
married as single," and "many have children living at home."
Duncan believes that "widespread discussion
and full acceptance" of pet-loss bereavement "are a long way
off." But, she says, "any serious validation greatly comforts
the bereaved, who may need that reassurance."
Non pet-lovers may be forgiven for not
understanding that need. Not even all pet lovers do.
But while sciety may have a long way" to go
before it gets the message, the ever-vigilant marketplace is
already answering the call.
Sympathy cards for the loss of a pet are
readily available wherever cards are sold. Pet memorial candles
and picture frames can be found in mainstream gift shops as well
as in humane society gift shops and pet boutiques. Pet memorial
stones and markers in all shapes, sizes and price ranges are
almost as easy to find as gourmet cat food. So are pet caskets
and urns.
And don't forget all the pet cremation jewelry
you can choose from to always keep a part of your departed close
by. You can even create gem stones from your pet's ashes -
assuming you prefer cremation over having the remains stuffed or
freeze-dried.
Some would call such indulgences silly. Others
would find them disgraceful. Yet when someone is hurting, peace
can be hard to come by. Judging is easy. But as Nietzche would
say, things done out of love are beyond judgment.
snewman@post-dispatch.com | 314-340-8264
You can create an online memorial to your departed pet
for free at at www.ILovedMyPet.com.
For More Information Contact:
ILovedMyPet.com
Email: support@ilovedmypet.com
Internet: http://www.ilovedmypet.com
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